Week 9 sees us within touching distance of a .500 record, and sees us
entertaining the Ghosts Of Franchise Past...
“The Cincinnati Bengals, then.”
They’re nothing without me. Nothing, I tells ya!
“They’re 4-3 without you, actually. Won their last four on the bounce. Turned
the Seahawks over as well, which is more than you’ve managed, isn’t it?”
Anyone can get lucky once. Any given Sunday, and all that...
“They beat the Ravens the week before that. How’d your collection of freaks
do against them?”
Sod off, alright? Just sod off.
“Anyway... you’ve no excuse for not knowing what this lot’re about...”
They’re about Corey Dillon.
“Yah. CD’s still there, although Lorenzo Neal isn’t leading the way for him
any more and Jeremi Johnson, the new fullback, is okay at best despite his
better-than-decent hands. Remember how much you had to shore that offensive line
up before it was able to do anything but take up cap-space?”
I surely do.
“Well, in this universe that hasn’t been done. Willie Anderson is still great
at left tackle, but the rest of them are pretty indifferent. Following Akili
Smith being cut and a strong end to the 2002 season, Jon Kitna is taking the
snaps and, again, you know what he’s about – a savvy veteran with a so-so arm
whose main limitation is his flat-footedness in the pocket. And that's a pretty
big problem when you’re playing behind a tissue-paper line. Carson Palmer is
waiting in the wings should Kitna slip up...”
Oh, that’s good. I know people take the piss out of him, but he played bloody
well for Watford when we had him on loan a few years ago, it was a shame he did
so badly at Stockport. Nice to see he’s gotten another gig now the management
thing’s fallen through...
“Not Carlton Palmer, you blithering
imbecile. And you've just completly confused all the Americans again. To drag
this whole thing back to the issue at hand... The receiving corps is the much
the same as you’ll remember it, with the obvious exception that your star tight
end Daniel Graham isn’t there in this universe, Matt Schobel filling his big,
big shoes with tiny, tiny feet. Chad Johnson has the lot, Peter Warrick has some
of it, Kelley Washington has almost none apart from a ton of speed. The defence
is much as you’ll remember it...”
You mean there isn’t one?
“More or less. Justin Smith is a great right end, Brian Simmons is here, he’s
there, he’s flippin’ everywhere from right outside linebacker, but the rest of
them... no, no, no. The secondary in particular is quite simply not good enough.
Honestly, they make your lot look like world-beaters. Throw early, throw often.
Johnson and Boldin could have field-days this week, they really could.”
-
It’s Fan Appreciation Day in Tempe! $200K well spent to kit out every member
of the crowd with “VOTE BRYANT JOHNSON IN 2004” t-shirts. I thought about
handing out hour-long videotapes detailing the highlights of the team’s past
twenty years, but couldn’t work out what to use to fill in the other fifty-eight
minutes.
Out we come, then, to our biggest crowd of the season thus far – all here to see
what we can do to follow up our first home victory of the year. Just for a
change, we’re not really being given a chance here – the Bengals are one of the
league’s form horses, and all the pundits predict that my old mate CD is going
to make an absolute mockery of our below-feeble run defence. We lose the toss
and Cincinnati put us in to bat first, which means they’ve got more faith in
their defence than I do.
It’s too easy, really. Boldin, Shipp, Johnno, Shipp, Shipp and we’re at the
Bengal 20 before most of the crowd have taken their seats. Out we come in the
shotgun-2HB-3WR formation we’ve been playing a fair bit this season. Both backs
run flares out of the backfield, and once Bryant Johnson has out-muscled the
Cincinnati press-coverage somehow he and Marcel Shipp are BOTH wide, wide open
down the right sideline without a defender within about five yards of our two
leading scorers – so once Jeff Blake’s dropped the ball easily into Johnno,
Marcel is in perfect position to absolutely <I>annihilate</i> the free safety
who’s trying to get back into the play, allowing the big receiver to trot into
the endzone untouched for an easy six. CIN 0-7 ARI
“Any coverage you can blow,” says our secondary, “we can blow worse.” The
pressure gets nowhere near Jon Kitna and he launches one up toward Peter
Warrick, who couldn’t have more room around him if he’d told my defence he had
leprosy. Adrian Wilson eventually gets over and gingerly makes the tackle, but
it’s a 30-some yard gain putting the ball around halfway. We get our first look
at what CD can do when he smashes through my limp-wristed front seven for a
nine-and-a-half yard gain on 1st down, but the Bengals get fancy and try to run
a sweep on 2nd that gets nowhere, then use the same sweep on 3rd and inches.
Three defenders converge, led by Will linebacker Levar Fisher –and much to my
surprise, Dillon doesn’t actually break all three tackles then take it to the
house. The punt lands inside our 5, where Terry Fair makes a fair-catch instead
of letting it bounce through the endzone. Idiot.
Marcel Shipp carries twice to try and give us a bit of breathing-room, but
obviously Cincinnati realise that that’s the plan and stuff him both times.
Emmitt Smith makes a nice catch on 3rd-and-long, though, breaks a tackle up past
the 20 and we’re rolling again, sort’ve. It takes another great catch – Anquan
Boldin this time, stretching to snag a wobbly duck – to convert on the next
third down, but as the first quarter expires we’ve made it all the way to the
Bengal 21, albeit once again facing The Official Down And Distance Of The
Arizona Cardinals. Cincinnati have gotten consistent pressure on Blake during
the entire drive, and now they bring the lot to try and get the sack that’ll
push us back to the limits of Bill Gramatica’s range. But Jeff sees the pressure
coming, stands tall and fires at the last possible moment – Anquan Boldin again,
19 yards and a 1st down at the 2-yard line. Marcel takes it in, and in 17 plays
we’ve gone 95 yards, including coverting every single one of the drive’s 5 3rd
downs. Just a smidge under nine minutes left in the half – CIN 0-14 ARI
No more Mr. Nice Bengals. It’s Corey Dillon and lots of him, and as usual we
just don’t seem to have an answer to the opposition’s running game. We think
we've gotten a break when DT Russell Davis strips the ball from CD on 3rd down,
but I can’t say it’s a tremendous surprise when a Bengal O-lineman scoops the
rock up and rumbles forward for nine yards and a 1st down at midfield. That
nasty moment over, they go back to the game plan - eight straight runs have
picked up 49 yards. Then nine straight runs have picked up 56 yards. Then ten
straight runs have picked up 58 yards – third and inches at our 20. Then eleven
straig... oh, bugger, it’s the play-action. Matt Schobel converts, and only a
terrific open-field tackle from Raynoch Thompson prevents Cincinnati opening
their account. Dillon rumbles up the middle for 8 and 2nd and 2 at our 7, then
the Bengal offensive coordinator has another rush of blood to the head and tries
another of those wild “pass” things that seem to be all the rage this year – CD
can’t hang on, though, and the ball almost bounces straight into the hands of
Superbowl MVP Dexter Jackson, who’s having a disappointingly quiet season after
his big-money move to Arizona in the off-season. 3rd and 2, our run-defence
having been utterly ineffectual thus far – and the Bengals show once again the
sort of clear thinking that’s made them so popular with other teams for so long.
Kitna goes for the lot, trying to lob one up and in to Peter Warrick at the far
back corner of the endzone. Dexter Jackson, worth every penny we paid for him
and only a fool or a Communist would suggest otherwise, goes up... and up... and
up...
He gets his hands to the ball but agonisingly can’t hang on, having to settle
for knocking it down instead... and cornerback David “No Mark” Barrett darts in
from out of nowhere to complete the interception. Barrett thinks about taking
the knee for a touchback but looks up and sees wide open space in front of him
and takes off. Chad Johnson gets over from the opposite side and bundles Barrett
into touch, but when all's said and done we have the ball back at our 35 with
2:40 left in the half.
For one play.
Jeff Blake looks for Johnno on the short slant and succeeds only in throwing
straight to CB Terry Hardy – Bengal ball at our 34. They can’t get it going,
though, and Neil Rackers misses the long FG wide right, giving us another go,
albeit with less than 2 minutes on the clock now. Bryan Gilmore makes a catch
over the middle for 1st down, then we catch them looking pass and Marcel Shipp
hammers through a couple of arm-tackles from weedy defensive-back types for
another first. Cincinnati bring the blitz, leaving Freddie Jones absolutely
uncovered in the process – Blake takes a shot as he gets the ball away, but get
the ball away he does, the tight-end making a nice move in the open field to
grab for 16, down to the Bengal 19. Timeout, 1:11 still remaining. Blake throws
a slightly ill-advised pass, trying to thread the needle between defenders to a
double-covered Anquan Boldin... and puts it right on the money, Anquan just
about hanging on to a ball that would have left a hole in the side of the
stadium if he hadn’t gotten in the way. It takes three downs from the 5, but
Marcel Shipp eventually finds a little gap to squeeze through, and at the half
the score is an impressive CIN 0-21 ARI
-
Yeah, well. Let’s not get cocky, here. We are - let’s be fair - bloody awful,
and well capable of giving up three touchdowns in less time than it takes to say
“oh, look, Corey Dillon’s broken another tackle, isn’t he playing well?”
So the half-time team-talk is full of words like “focus”, “intensity” and “if
you lose from this position, I’ll have you all killed”.
We have to kick away to start the second half, and it’s my old mate Peter
Warrick who’s back to receive. He brings the ball in at the one, fakes one way,
cuts back the other and gets tripped by Terry Fair. Down he goes... and out pops
the ball, bouncing away and landing at the feet of rookie linebacker Gerald
Hayes, who scoops it up and takes it back 21 yards for his first NFL score.
Marvin Lewis chucks in his red flag, but the replays clearly show that the
ball’s out before Warrick’s knee hits.
So obvious is the fact that the call on the field was a good one, it’s a bit of
a surprise when the officials uphold it. Even a blind pig finds an acorn once in
a while, it seems. CIN 0-28 ARI
I’m still not feeling completely secure, even when we hold the Bengals’ offence
to three-and out. Calvin Pace gets up the field and comes unbelievably
close to blocking the punt - but close, as a wise man once said, only counts in
horseshoes and hand-grenades. Terry Fair makes the catch close to the left
sideline, shimmies past the first Bengal tackle and turns on the jets – he
slashes diagonally across the field, picks up a block from Pace and outruns the
pursuit to the right corner of the endzone – a 65-yard return and, okay, now
I’m feeling a bit more secure. CIN 0-35 ARI
Cincinnati need a drive, and they need it nowish. It looks good when Dillon gets
8 on first down, but drops on consecutive plays see them having to punt again.
This one they angle out of bounds, oddly enough, giving us terrific field
position at our 45. Of course, we can’t do anything with it either, but then
again we don’t really need to. Scott Player’s punt’s a beaut, though, angled out
of bounds at the Bengal 4 yard line. Once again, CD gets them a good gain on
1st, and once again their passing game undoes all of his good work – Kitna drops
back, has a sudden anxiety attack despite the fact that there’s not a Cardinal
rusher within five yards of him and throws wildly off his back foot in Warrick’s
general direction. Of course, the pass floats on him and David Barrett’s in
position to pick it off at the Bengal 18. I almost feel sorry for them, but that
doesn’t stop us going for the one-play dagger to the heart, Anquan Boldin
running a post-pattern and Jeff Blake sliding the ball in to him to stamp out
the last remote possibility of a Bengal comeback - CIN 0-42 ARI
Warrick coughs up the ball again on the ensuing kickoff, but this time
it’s overturned on review, and the third quarter expires with an exchange of
punts despite good work from Marcel Shipp, Josh McCown coming in for Jeff Blake
and confirming that he’s probably not the quarterback of the future.
Luckily Kitna’s having an even worse day – under pressure he does what he’s done
all afternoon and launches it up toward his X-receiver. Peter Warrick, another
player in the midst of his own private hell, can only watch helplessly as Kitna
misses him and instead finds Dave “No-Mark” Barrett for his third interception
of the afternoon – and this time the cover can’t cut him off as he returns it 30
yards for our seventh TD - CIN 0-49 ARI
With the game ended as a contest since about two minutes into the 3rd quarter,
it’s now just about whether we can register our first shut-out since Methuselah
was a boy. What’s a bit perplexing is that about two-thirds of the crowd have
disappeared – they do realise that we’re winning by 49, don’t they? Or is
just a Pavlovian reaction for the Arizona fans – when they look up at the
scoreboard at the start of the 4th quarter and see one team up by tons, they
instinctively start to shuffle out toward the carpark? Who knows. Anyway, can we
shut the Bengals out? No, of course we can’t. And the score, when it comes,
befits the Twilight-Zone nature of the game so far – Terry Fair tries to take in
another punt that he shouldn’t inside our 10 yard line, muffs the catch
and allows one of the Bengal coverage men to recover the ball in the endzone.
It’s irritating given how well we’ve played, but nothing more. CIN 7-49 ARI
Josh McCown finally does something right, hitting a wide-open Anquan Boldin for
a 17-yard TD on the ensuing drive, but he’s had a very ordinary time of it
against a flat-out bad defence, and backup QB may well be a position we have to
address at the end of the year. The Bengals complete the scoring by going 80
yards in a hurry against our backups, but there’s no escaping the plain fact
that they’ve been murdered this afternoon. Final score, then - CIN 14-56 ARI
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(c) daniel
roe 2004
